Weak LasT WeeK

** I wrote this last week, but didn’t get around to posting it. This is a pretty proper description of just the sate I was in. I can so totally say that I’m still right at it and have much life to live. The stakes currently pinning me down are, the mad rush for work needed from me at work right now, the fact I only have computer access at work right now, the craziness outside of work which pulls me in every direction imaginable, love – and how coming to grips with what is, is both painful and freeing, makes sense, and leaves me constantly perplexed.. . .

THANK YOU for the amazing comments left in the last post. Seaweed. Mad props. Respect. I appreciate you compliments immensely. LiLY LiLz. Peace! One Love. Makin me smile and laugh, and feel all good and shit. You really didn’t hit me back on the email, but I just figured everything is everything, and I would just take it as it comes.

So this is what I wrote while being pummeled by life last week:

There’s too much
THERE’S TOO MUCH
2 MUCH
TOO MUCH!

And then more is let loose and unleashed against the re enforced walls that are burning, being shot at and growing.

Pulled taut
I forgot
What
I sought hard after

At times today I’ve been feeling like my lungs are collapsing from the front like my chest is caving in, and from the back. Everybody trying to implode.

It takes a lot more to make me smile, or nothing at all. I’m trying. I’m trying. But I have to do more. I know I can, and I’ve been setting myself up so that I could be in this exact position, and I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But my middle finger’s cuticle on my right hand hurts, and the inside of my shoulders right at the base of my neck is tense. It feels like I’m being Jabbed by dozens of thick poles all over.

Hahha. I laugh. And inside I realize the time is now. . . . I must be strong now. For later I will need to be even stronger.

Pulled taut
I forgot
what
I sought hard after

When it come
When it done
There’ll be
Cries and laughter

So slow
No show
Why doesn’t
It happen faster

Suck my blood
Take it all
Even
To my last hair

Live as one
fight as one
for no slave
Or master

Where’s my thought
All been caught
In my heart
That’s where

If I can
With my hand
I’ll demand
For what’s fair

So my voice
Has no choice
But to yell
And stand there

I’m in need
My heart do bleed
My hands do feed
Cuz I care

- JuleZ (September 21, 2005)