la la la

I went home for lunch today. Ate pretty fast cuz it was just heating up some leftovers from Sunday night, and so it was easy and fast to get ready, and I was pretty hungry. I was listening to some Deathcab for Cutie and I wanted to cry. Or sleep. So I was going to sleep. But instead I sat on my couch and ate strawberry icecream and listened to the rain fall against my house…. . I finished the ice cream so fast even though I was eating it as slow as possible and enjoying every spoonful the fell onto my tongue. … .

I guess that just like so many other people, I just wanna be touched, and feel safe. And not worry about anything. Love is so much more than anything. I want to stop giving, but I just can’t, because I love her. I want to be resentful, and not understanding. But I do understand. And I don’t want to hurt her and say things just to hurt her, cuz anything bad I think and want to say, I know isn’t true, and would say just to make my own pain go away by seeing someone else hurt and get a an evil satisfaction out of it. Only to draw a darker shadow over me and disappear.

Fuck it hurts.

I bounce alright. And I keeps my shit real. Life is good. .. I know it. I just can’t abandon myself to it. I hold on with one hand and feel my body being pulled down. I keep lookin towards the top of the mountain, and know that the snow that’s numbing my face and blowing up my sleeves can’t even come close to stopping me.. .. . .. but it sure is cold.. ..

I wonder how many people can say, Julio Garcia gave me his heart, and it was good, but it wasn’t mine to take. For she, whom his heart does belong to, will say yes. And all I can say is thanks.

Owww. eh?

sooOoOooo.

I dunno how this all works and if it’s media fuckin with Bush, or what. But. If you go to googLe and type in ‘failure’ and then hit ‘I’m feelin lucky’… . the biography of George Bush comes up.. . hahah ha ha =) . .. . good shit huh. Am I the most uncontent creator, who creates, but then in unsatisfied with everything once the creation is finished.. . loVes the process of doing it, but is never satisfied with the results.. . . I don’t think so, but that’s how I was feelin this morning. I can think of so many ways how this is not true, but it’s real to me because I aspire for so many things and want things to be a certain way and tell myself, once their like this, then. . . .then I will accept thme and be happy, but then things get to a certain level, and they seem so mediocre, and really not all that.. ..

whatever.



ever